The Philistine
Date: 2022-06-23T00:00:00+00:00
Keywords: American literature -- Periodicals; American periodicals; Society of the Philistines (East Aurora; N.Y.) -- Periodicals

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Title: The Philistine
a periodical of protest (Vol. I, No. 2, July 1895)

Author: Various

Editor: Harry Persons Taber

Release date: June 23, 2022 [eBook #68382]

Language: English

Original publication: United States: The Society of the Philistines

Credits: hekula03 and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This book was produced from images made available by the HathiTrust Digital Library.)

*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE PHILISTINE ***

The Philistine:
A Periodical of Protest.

“Those Philistines who engender animosity, stir up trouble and then smile.”—John Calvin.

Printed Every Little While for The Society of The Philistines and Published by Them Monthly. Subscription, One Dollar Yearly; Single Copies, 10 Cents.

Number 2.   July, 1895.

The Bibelot

A Reprint of Poetry and Prose for Book Lovers, chosen in part from scarce editions and sources not generally known....

Printed for Thomas B. Mosher and Publish’d by him at 37 Exchange Street, Portland, Maine

Price 5 cents   50 cents a year

THE BIBELOT is issued monthly, beautifully printed on white laid paper, uncut, old style blue wrapper, in size a small quarto (5×6), 24 to 32 pages of text, and will be sent postpaid on receipt of subscription. Remit (preferably) by N. Y. Draft, or P. O. Money Order.

Numbers now ready.

January—Lyrics from William Blake. February—Ballades from Villon. March—Mediæval Student Songs. April—A Discourse of Marcus Aurelius. May—Fragments from Sappho. June—Sonnets on English Dramatic Poets.

THOMAS B. MOSHER, Portland, Maine.

Please Mention The Philistine.

THE PHILISTINE.

Edited by H. P. Taber.

CONTENTS FOR JULY, 1895.

JEREMIADS:
An Interview with the Devil,
Walter Blackburn Harte.
Fashion in Letters and Things,
Elbert Hubbard.
Where is Literature At?
Eugene R. White.
A Free Lunch League,
William McIntosh.
The New Hahnemann,
Herbert L. Baker.
OTHER THINGS:
Some Little Verses,
Edwin R. Champlin.
The Laughter of the Gods,
Rowland B. Mahany.
The Lord of Lanturlu,
G. F. W.
Side Talks with The Philistines.
Some More Verses.
Advertisements.

The Philistine is published monthly at $1 a year, 10 cents a single copy. Subscriptions may be left with newsdealers or sent direct to the publishers.

Business communications should be addressed to The Philistine. East Aurora, New York. Matter intended for publication may be sent to the same address or to Box 6, Cambridge, Massachusetts.

Entered at the Postoffice at East Aurora, New York, for transmission as mail matter of the second class.

COPYRIGHT, 1895.

THE PHILISTINE

NO. 2. July, 1895. VOL. 1.

SOME LITTLE VERSES.

OF EDWARD ROWLAND SILL.

Since he is dead who once was so alive,
And all is living that in life he saw,
His written words provoke in me an awe
And wonder if he still unseen doth thrive—
His inmost being true to life and law.

LOST JOY.

Whence joy came I do not know,
But she left me long ago;
In a heart that still is free
She abides—and loves not me.

Edwin R. Champlin.

WHERE IS LITERATURE AT?

At any time the sight of a Don Quixote leveling an earnest lance at a mill is inspiring, hence a book called Degeneration, by one Max Simon Nordau, is worthy of attention. The book has been discussed pro and con as fully as it deserved. If not forgotten it is reserved for another generation to adjudicate its value. Enough that it has stirred up a valiant mess, out of which can come nothing but good.

As a whole it is worthless—it might well have been written by a son of Robert Elsmere and Mrs. Nickelby—for the mosaic of clever observation is wrought into a most grotesque picture. The perception of Mr. Nordau is fine, but his perspective is absurdly jumbled. The premises, logical enough, are made to form an absurd conclusion—yet the half-truths in the book are well worthy of note.

Genius was an abnormality long before Nordau found it out from Lombroso. Granted that everybody who has risen above the dead level of mediocrity is a maniac, let us head the list with Jesus of Nazareth. But does that detract from the value of their work or the good of their mission? Moses may have had asymmetrical ears, and Blind Homer been possessed with all sorts of mental afflictions. That is not the point. What Mr. Nordau does show us is that the literature of this decade is self conscious and that it is marked in general by a hopeless lack of unity. Not that these facts were discovered by the captious German: Good lack, they are apparent enough, but he has surely emphasized them. And the object of this is to say a say about the present non-importance of modern literature’s self consciousness and its lack of unity.

When one talks with a decrier of modernity, when our ears are stuffed with the prattle about self consciousness, should there be an attempt to say a word it is met with a flaunting statement about Homer. Homer is undeniably the great unsullied spring, the rock struck in the desert which pours forth a clear limpid stream. But the example does not serve. If Homer is pristine he is also primeval. Self consciousness in these days means nothing less than that one comprehends in part that momentous question of where we are at. Underlying which it means that it has a realizing sense of battles to fight and wrongs to retrieve. Marry and up, we might all be Homers had literature no past. The past is a millstone that has hung around the neck of many a sturdy man.

Truth to tell, there must be a certain self consciousness nowadays if anything is to be done. Besides, what is self consciousness? Not the kind that mistakes the medium for the work accomplished, but a genuine hearty self consciousness. Is it not manifestly absurd to deny to the father of an idea the most complete conception of his paternity? Can we interpret the works of an author in any other proportion than that which exists between our understanding and his?

But Nordau’s principal casus belli is the present diversity in literature, he thinks; its lack of unity—a segregation which denotes decay.

Pish!

Diversity is a step towards universality. And is not the present aspect due primarily to a self assertive spirit, a declaration of individual independence in literature, built upon the lack of single leaders and the abolition of a great literary center?

Take the literary capillarity of a great name. It has a marvelous effect, availing perhaps for all time, but scarcely to the succeeding generation. Dante, Shakespeare and the world’s sons are but the flood marks of a great literary tidal wave that crests with eternity. These marks leave such an influence on the next generation that they can only be viewed with wonder. And when that same next generation perceives that deeds were wrought on certain lines, behold a mad rush to build on the same, to blindly copy after the model, to servilely imitate the pattern. This is the damning power of the so-called classicists. Not having the original spontaneity, such doing accomplishes little more than to emasculate itself wittingly.

Trend is an unseen thread in the warp and woof of literature. It bobs about, hides here and there, and who will say but now and then it drops a stitch? Yet the weave goes on for all that. Achievement in the realm of the real and the realm of the ideal are rarely synchronous. Literature acted as a John the Baptist for the Renaissance. Artistic expression antedated for centuries the march of science. Why should we of the purple trouble ourselves if science should now be the vanguard. It will be a close finish at the End of Things.

The Sleeping Beauty is now all ready for the magic kiss. The Prince is perhaps bending over her. He has cut a way through the thorns, the briars and brambles that hedged her in. He has climbed the stairs and looks her at last squarely in the face. She will be awake while we yet pule and despair that there is no good in us and that if a good thing ever came out of Nazareth it was immediately and ignominiously pushed along by the rabble.

That’s a close analogue, that Sleeping Beauty. Literature wanted not for thorns and brambles. Conventions, artificial ties and misconceptions were of the prickliest kind. Those that spring up where empty ancient forms are worshipped always are, but we have had some Princes with strong buskins, who laughed at the stings and bade the small things do their worst.

Rossetti and the Pre-Raphaelites were of that kind. Walt Whitman lacked the princely qualities, the blue blood of prestige that would work the magic charm, but he was valiant for all that. And there have been others who have not lacked in bravery.

Now, it is just that hardihood that Nordau derides. Let him creak and carp, let others erect their idols and worship thereat. Even fetiches have their use. The world wags on, however, and the line is forming anew. We will be happy yet.

It is a Gargantuan task to get at the heart of this multiple age. He will be a Titan who does it.

Form antedates concept. Thus far have we journeyed on this way of ours—the leaven of concept and of form both have broken out in patches here and there. Let someone arise who can master both.

Then—

E. R. W.

THE LAUGHTER OF THE GODS.

The laughter of the Gods is clear
And sweet to those who do not know
How, underneath its limpid flow,
Lurk envy, hatred, hope and fear.

Rowland B. Mahany.

FASHION IN LETTERS AND THINGS.

Periodicity exists throughout all nature. Day and night, winter and summer, equinox and solstice; years of plenty and years of famine, commerce active and business depressed; volcanoes in state of eruption, then at rest; comets return, eclipses come back, the striae of one glacial period are deepened by those of another, and the leg o’ mutton sleeves that our grandmammas wore in the thirties are again upon us.

When the hounds start game in the mountains, the hunter knowing that the deer moves in a circle, stands still on the run-way, biding his time. So no one need wail and strike his breast if his raiment is out of style: all such should be consoled by the fact that the fashion is surely coming back.

Mode in dress is only an outcrop of a general law. Why does fashion change? Because it is the fashion. The followers of fashion—that is to say, civilized men and women—are not content with being all alike. Esquimaux and Hottentots never vary their styles. But people in the temperate zones are intemperate and desire to excel—to be different from others—distinctive, peculiar, individual. Very seldom is any one strong enough to stand alone, so in certain social circles, by common consent, all overcoats are cut one length—say, to come just above the knee. Then this overcoat is gradually lowered: to the knee, just below the knee, to the ankle—until it conceals the feet. Then an enormous collar is added, which when turned up and viewed from behind completely hides the man. But this thing cannot last; it is not many days before the same men are wearing overcoats so short that the wearers look like matadors ready for the fray.

Ladies wear hoops; the hoops expand and expand, until the maximum of possibility in size is reached. Something must be done! The crinoline contracts until these same ladies appear in clinging skirts, and the pull-back lives its little hour. Then the former width of the dress is used to lengthen it. The skirt touches the ground, trails two inches, six, eight, a foot, two feet. Its length becomes too great to drag and so is carried, to the great inconvenience of its owner; or in banquet halls pages are employed. But this is too much, a protest comes and two hundred women in Boston agree to appear on the streets the first rainy day in skirts barely coming to the boot top. “Dress Reform” societies spring up, magazines become the organs of the protestants and the printing presses run over time.

The garb of the Quaker is only a revulsion from a flutter of ribbons and towering headgear. From Beau Brummel lifting his hat with great flourish and uncovering on slight excuse, we have William Penn who uncovers to nobody; the height of Brummel’s hat finds place in the width of Penn’s.

All things move in an orbit.

Even theories have their regular times of incubation. They are hatched, grow lusty, crow in falsetto or else cackle; then they proceed to scratch in the flower beds of conservatism to the hysterical fear of good old ladies, who shoo them away. Or if the damage seems serious, the ladies set dogs—the lap-dogs of war—upon them.

“The sun do move;” Brother Jasper is right. All things move. And when matters get pushed to a point where they fall on t’other side, a Reformer appears. The people proclaim him king, but he modestly calls himself “Protector.” He is spoken of in history as the Savior of the State.

There are only two classes of men who live in history: those who crowd a thing to its extreme limit, and those who then arise and cry “Hold!” A Pharaoh makes a Moses possible. The latter we write down in our books as immortal, the first as infamous.

This is true of all who live in history, whether in the realm of politics, religion or art. History is only a record of ideas (or lack of them) pushed to a point where revulsion occurs. If Rome had been moderate, Luther would have had no excuse.

Literature obeys the law; its orbit is an ellipse. The illustrious names in letters are those of the men who have stood at aphelion or perihelion and waved the flaring comet back.

The so-called great poets are the men stationed by fate at these pivotal points. And as fires burn brightest when the wind is high, so these men facing mob majorities have, through opposition, had their intellects fanned into a flame.

More than thirteen decisive battles have taken place in the world of letters. And the question at issue has always been the same: Radical and Conservative calling themselves Realist, Romanticist, Veritist or What-not struggling for supremacy.

Term it “Veritism” and “Impressionism” if you prefer—juggle the names and put your Union troops in gray, but this does not change the question.

The battle between the two schools of literature is a football game. The extreme goal on one side is tea table chatter, on the other an obscure symbolism. “The difference is this:” said Dion Boucicault, “when Romanticism goes to seed it is ‘rot;’ when Realism reaches a like condition it is only ‘drivel.’”

In literary production why should we hear so much about the dignity of this school and the propriety of that. Men who fail to appreciate the individual excellence of a certain literary output, declare it to be without sense and therefore base. In letters they assume that a style is wholly good or it is wholly bad. They make no allowances for temperament; they would have all men speak in one voice.

Yet liberty need not result in disorder, nor can originality serve as a pretext for boozy inaccuracy. In a literary production the bolder the conception the more irreproachable should be the execution.

There is a tendency for thought to get fixed in set forms, and this form is always that which has been used by some great man. For any one to express thought and feeling in a different way is blasphemy to the eunuchs who guard the tents of Tradition.

Writers of different schools exist because their style fits the mind of a certain style of reader. The sprightly, animated picturesqueness, the play of wit and flights of imagination are only a full expression of what many faintly feel. Thus their mood is mirrored and their thought expressed: hence they are pleased.

In fact the only reason why we like a writer is because he expresses our thought in a way we like. And the reason we dislike a writer is because he deals in that which is not ours. We of course might grow to like him, but the process is slow, for according to Herbert Spencer we must hear a thing six hundred times before we understand. If we comprehend a proposition at once, it is only because it was ours already. If the portrayal of a situation in fiction fascinates us, it is because we (in fancy or fact) have gone before and spied out the land.

There must be more than one school of literature, because there is more than one mood of mind: just as in religion there must be many sects. We worship God not only in sincerity and truth, but according to the temperament our mothers gave us.

The emotional “school of religion” finds its votaries in Methodism: Methodism fits a certain mind. The stately dignity of the Ritualist is a necessity to a certain cast of intellect. And until we get a church that is broad enough, and deep enough, and high enough to allow for temperament in men, “church union” will exist only as an abstract idea.

Until we have a school of literature that will combine all schools and give the liberty to a full expression of every mood, there will be a warfare between the “sects” that give free rein to imagination and the sect that, having no imagination, merely describes. When one school driven by the jibes and jeers of the other tilts to t’other side, a heavy man will start the teeter back, and he is the man we crown.

And let us ever crown the heavy man when we find him.

Elbert Hubbard.

THE LORD OF LANTURLU.

IDEA, METRE AND REFRAIN CRIBBED FROM THE FRENCH OF GABRIEL VICAIRE AS SET FORTH IN Le Figaro OF MARCH 30, 1895 (q. v.).

When swallows southward flew,
Forth rode in armor fair
Guy, Lord of Lanturlaire
And Lanturlu.

Vowed he to cross the brine,
Pausing not night nor day,
That he might Paynims slay
In Palestine.

Faithful a knight and true
As you’d find anywhere,
Guy, Lord of Lanturlaire
And Lanturlu.

Half a league on his way
Met him a shepherdess,
Beaming in loveliness,
Sweet as young day.

Gazed in her eyes of blue,
Saw Love in hiding there,
Guy, Lord of Lanturlaire
And Lanturlu.

“Let the foul Paynim wait,”
Plead Love, “and rest with me;
Sullen and cold the sea,
Here’s brighter fate.”

...

When swallows northward flew,
Back to his home did fare
Guy, Lord of Lanturlaire
And Lanturlu.

Led he his charger gray,
Bearing a shepherdess
Beaming with loveliness,
Sweet as young day.

White lambs, beribboned blue,
Herded with anxious care
Guy, Lord of Lanturlaire
And Lanturlu.

Fine sport of him they made,
Knights famous, old and lone,
Strength, youth and hope all gone
In the Crusade.

But in their hearts they knew,
“He hath the better fare—
Guy, Lord of Lanturlaire
And Lanturlu.”

G. F. W.

A FREE LUNCH LEAGUE.

Before George Du Maurier created the one complaisant female who is admitted into all the good society of Europe and America he achieved some fame as the author of a recipe for keeping peace in families. The good wife was to apply the prescription, and it read “Feed the Brute.” Whether this meant to keep a good cook or to cater to the element in human nature which the paradox of civilization constantly brings into abnormal prominence among the overwrought people Mr. Du Maurier describes, is not clear. The man as a whole or his grosser nature may be the brute referred to. But the policy of feeding the unidentified fauna of Mr. Du Maurier’s world is in no doubt. Modern custom has settled the most direct road to satisfaction of the men and women who compose society. You may see its sign boards at any formal social meeting, and they all point to the dining room.

When The Philistine said some time ago that hospitality had become an exchange he meant an exchange of food. There is no plainer way to state the fact—short of nausea. Of course hospitality does not start at eating. That is where it ends. The starting point is the purest courtesy—the caritas that “seeketh not her own,” “is not puffed up” and “abideth” as the head of the trinity of eternal virtues. But on the most generous of virtues grows the most selfish of vices, and ostentation is the death-dealing parasite that destroys primitive hospitality.

Mrs. Moor Gage lives in the suburbs. It is the proper place to live—if you can. She has neighbors and likes them. She calls, swaps cards with the ladies, imbibes a little hot water, and then gets along where her social position requires somebody should be fed. She is just as good as Mrs. Taxsale on the other avenue, so hospitality alone won’t fill the bill. A caterer must mince this dinner. Mr. Moor Gage must perspire later on, but now is feeding time. At much expense the food is arranged for. At more expense virgin dresses must be gotten together, if all hands stitch and try on till the hour the dinner comes. When they are gone, feeders and fed draw one breath of content. “It’s all over.”

Or, is it a reception. The hospitality is all in the front of the house. That’s where the receiving party are. But the procession doesn’t linger there. It moves rearward. The animals are to be fed. If one doubts the sincerity of this movement let him recall the comments of those who “couldn’t get to the dining room” at the last distribution of eatables.

Of course when Mrs. Taxsale opens her larder to her friends she will have a little better “stuff”—they really do call it by that name in competent society—and so the auction goes on. Sometimes card parties and other social efforts not primarily connected with digestion get mixed up with catering. The result is usually disastrous. Bidding gets too high for some of the members. The bargain day pace is too fast. There ends the card club.

There are persons, here and there, who think there is something finer than feeding in courtesy. They are Philistines. They object to materialism, even when it swamps only the things of this world. It is also reported, on somewhat vague evidence, that refined literary people are not so given to feeding as the common folks of Mr. Du Maurier’s world. It is to bear a suggestion to these that this is written. Literary persons being functionally the makers of custom have a great glory within easy reach. Let them crystallize their scattered atoms of protest in an Anti Free Lunch League. It may take some self denial, but there is the compensating pleasure of mutual admiration when they gather at a call like this:

Miss Basbleu will be pleased to welcome you at her residence

Tuesday evening
to meet Mr. Patemback.

Nordau at 11.

Contemplation of the infinite fall will take the place of supper in a most edifying way. It is to be presumed that literary people have had something to eat at home.

The segregation of society thus begun will leave the materialists who compose its majority to follow out their instincts, and it will be reasonable to look for a vast improvement in eating entertainments in consequence. Mrs. Moor Gage and Mrs. Taxsale will then be freer to advertise their attractions—as thus:

Your company is requested on

Wednesday evening
at the residence of Mrs. Moor Gage,

Five Per Cent Avenue,

Syndicate Park.

H. L. at 11.

“H. L.” means hot lunch, which may be varied indefinitely. It is plainly a great improvement on “Dancing at 9.” You get dancing everywhere. Specifications may be introduced. For those who don’t like bread pencils and ice cream shingles something more solid may be put on the bill of fare, which will in time serve as the invitation also.

The suggestion is made in the interest of sincerer living. If we are to “feed the brute,” why not say so?

W. M.

THE NEW HAHNEMANN.

The taste for literature in homeopathic doses seems to be growing. If this thing keeps on, the time may come when knowledge will be put up like pills or wafers or tablets. And a great convenience it would be to the busy sons of American toil. If one wished to prepare an article on some historical subject, for instance, he could buy a box of Motley’s American Pills or Gibbon’s Roman Tablets, and take one after another until the requisite amount of historical information were absorbed. It would also be pleasant, if a gentle titillation of the literary senses were desired, to buy a few Richard Harding Davis wafers and lie down to delightful dreams. Or in case one’s conscience became unusually obstreperous, he could take Biblical tabules till his system was soaked with sanctity. If one’s pessimism were temporarily upmost, he could find plenty of Nordau’s pillules to help him enjoy his misery while the fit lasted. It’s a great scheme. Methinks the dim distant future holds a publisher’s announcement similar to this:

JUST ISSUED:

“Some Impressions and a Fit.”

By Mark Nye Bunner. In twelve pills and two boxes. In plain pasteboard boxes, $1.00 per box. In gilt edge boxes, uncut, $2.00 per box. By all means the strongest work of this popular condenser. It is not too much to say that there is more giggle in each pill than can be found in any similar work. And the fit at the end—well, it is wholly indescribable. Long Greens & Co., Literary Dispensatory, Chicago and London. Sent prepaid by telepath, on receipt of price.

A FEW CRITICISMS.

Washington Roast: “Not a dull pill in the box.”

New York Rostrum: “Very clever. After taking one pill, the reader cannot put down the box until he has taken all its contents.”

Chicago Between-Seas: “Cannot contain our disgust. Tried to digest the contents of these boxes, but threw up the job after taking one pill.”

New Orleans Pickatune: “The pills lead gently and pleasantly up to the final mystery when the Fit clears everything up in a very sensational manner. More such pills would have a highly beneficial effect upon modern literature.”

Herbert L. Baker.

AN INTERVIEW WITH THE DEVIL.

It is only during inclement weather that writers who cannot command the oracular and prophetic freedom, which is the proud possession of the morning and evening journals, can hope to gain even the smallest audience; for the masses are more hungry for facts which lie, than for the truth, or even those fine fantasies that afford us some surcease of wide-open eyed sorrow. If this paper is ever read at all, it should be read in gloomy weather. Indeed, it is intended to be read on a gray day, as it was written on a wild night. Only very robust imaginations feel the fascination or the eternal questions of life and death in the wide ample world of broad, white sunlight; for their animal spirits get the better of their reason. In rainy weather we writers flatten our noses against the panes of strange windows, lost to all sense of propriety, in the wild hope that some one within is reading one of our amusing works. In the case of the present writer, however, it is all proper to say that he has suffered disillusionment so often that he has espoused a chill dignity, and sits at home and reads his own works in a spirit of grim appreciation. Indeed, accepting the appalling vacuity of the million noisy heads as an incurable fact—a fact that should chasten the vanity of those whose hopes and ambitions and thought are borne and blown hither and thither, like puff-balls upon the acclaiming wind of ten thousand pairs of lungs—it may be said with perfect propriety that it is nothing less than impertinence for any writer, who aims to rise above the biting lechery of the common imaginations, to expect to find readers under clear skies. Even the midsummer sun, which is surely innocent of any such evil intention, seems to only ripen distracting noises in the minds of the vast majority sunk in the turgid mean of commonplace; for how many good souls can be bothered with anything more abstract than the very latest soggy novel, just hot and dirty from the press, in sunshiny weather? Even moonshine is wasted upon all but those feather-brains on the lookout for ghosts.

And it may be noted, although it is not strictly relevant, that, with the multiplication of periodicals of one sort and another, even stormy weather is beginning to fail the few writers in our day who are audacious enough to still cling to the old ambitions of letters, in spite of worldly prudence and all the warnings of the literary tip-staffs who infallibly know “the market”—for in the periodical world it is raining hot-baked sensations and novelties every hour in the twenty-four—the depressing vulgar commonplaces that have made up the round of human existence from the dawn of history and always will. But we must make up our minds to accept this as one of the small ironies of life: thought is smothered in an immense spawn of crocodile words. The newspapers we have always with us; and they succeed in making such an unceasing and damnable din that only an insignificant minority of exceptionally cool heads can hear themselves think.

It is worthy of remark that the printing press has contributed in no small degree toward driving the Devil out of orthodox theology. This is a fact, although Atheists, Rationalists and Materialists claim the credit of it. Indeed, His Eminence confessed to me, over a bottle of Lachryma Christi at the Theological Club, that he was completely discouraged, and he announced that he was revolving in his mind the expediency of abandoning the long and honorable career, which he has enjoyed in the polity of human life. He said that he had found his old-fashioned and painstaking tortuous methods of depraving men’s minds suddenly rendered absolutely puerile, ridiculous and contemptible by comparison with the unwearied and stupendous operations of the steam-presses of journalism. The meeting depressed me greatly; for whatever opinions other folk may profess to hold of the Devil, the more sober imaginations, the humorous writers, will always be glad to testify to the ungrudged and inestimable services he has continually rendered them in their arduous and ill-paid calling. I have since learned definitely that the Devil was in good earnest, and has retired into a voluntary exile, whence endless deputations of learned, suppliant, apologetic and furious theologians have endeavored to coax him, but entirely in vain. He has abdicated, he replies steadfastly, forever; and the desperate situation of the theologians, whose calling and character is seriously imperiled by his obstinacy, leaves him perfectly unmoved. He declares he has been long abandoned by those who flourished upon the pleasantries which he devised to make life amusing, and being under no sort of moral obligation to ingrates who have publicly held his name and character in abhorrence, he cheerfully abandons them to their wretched fate. He himself is humbled; let them taste of his bitterness, as they have shared in his prosperity, without any honest acknowledgment of his benefaction. He is still great enough to preserve his dignity; let them preserve their own as best they can. And this ought not to be a difficult business; for there are still a multitude of fools in the world, and any new noisy dogma is not more than twenty-four hours old before a million credulous heads believe it embodies the immanent truth of the universe. Such subtle wits as the theologians, and those whom they serve, can assuredly find a way out of the mire of misfortune, as the multitude is always hospitable to miracle workers, though deaf and blind to facts and truth.

The Devil himself, however, has discovered the ironies of the ambition that can only prosper upon the folly of fools. He recognizes the omnipotence of his rivals, the omniscient journalists, in this vineyard, and is content to let them discover in due time that wisdom does not consist in the counting of noses, and that mere bawdy optimism brings its own dissatisfaction. And, moreover, in retiring, the Devil is sustained by the firm conviction that his old laborious schemes for the befuddlement and bewilderment and corruption of mankind will not only be ably continued, but improved and surpassed in subtlety and thoroughness by these audacious and unscrupulous successors. So his decision is irrevocable; he has abdicated forever. Emulation would but emphasize the futile and ludicrous pretensions of his old ingrate protegees, the theologians; and the Devil is not ungenerous, even in misfortune, even to those base hypocrites who have enjoyed his protection and reviled him. Then, retirement with dignity is better than embittered ambition and a fall without dignity. As he points out—and those who have known him in better days should assuredly sustain him in his noble and philosophic humility, so rare among the great of fallen fortunes—it is worse than useless for him to labor painfully to cultivate a deep and stirring delight in original sin in one promising little urchin, spending weary days and anxious and tender solicitude on the hard benches of the public schools, when the great and omniscient newspaper press can at any given moment set a whole nation, or even the whole civilized world, crawling upon all fours, nosing and wallowing in filth. Only a few aboriginal tribes escape, and the Devil does not deem these worthy of cultivation, since civilization is encroaching upon them and their days are already numbered.

The Devil was always notoriously an abandoned pessimist, and his dismal view of the outcome of the great modern passion for literacy is probably due to disappointed ambition and malevolence; for, granting all the suffocating triviality and vulgarity of the Sabbatical literature dished up in the seventh day’s newspapers, it must always in strict justice be remembered that long and beautiful abstracts of sermons of soporific platitude, and charmingly convincing illogic, appear regularly in the Monday morning issues. And so optimists may feel that the morals of civilization are safe.

But, on the other hand, evil tongues cannot be silenced. If the accumulation of facts were not such a patently depraved, atrabilious and libellous business, there would be fewer cynics, and cheerful, good natured optimism would expire for want of that venomous opposition which contracts hopeless stupidity into stony and barren virtue. Epigrams would become dissipated in the most undivided passion for truth, in order to diffuse it again into commonness among eager and hungry ears; but the fact is, these ears are now enamored of such noises as cost them no sort of intellectual effort.

It may as well be stated here that the Devil has somehow lost a great deal of his popularity in the congregations of the elect, through the continual assaults of Philistines and the unfortunate discovery of natural facts, that have taken catastrophe out of the Devil’s hands and transferred it to the domain of inflexible and insensible law. But the moral cowardice revealed in this abandonment of the Devil is certainly pathetic. Yet we must remember that it is ever so—for the people who turn on us first are the ones we have most benefited. And this seems to be one of Nature’s devices for diverting our energies into new channels of well doing.

Walter Blackburn Harte.

SIDE TALKS WITH THE PHILISTINES: BEING SUNDRY BITS OF WISDOM WHICH HAVE BEEN HERETOFORE SECRETED, AND ARE NOW SET FORTH IN PRINT.

Bot. Let me play the lion, too. I will roar, that I will do any man’s heart good to hear me; I will roar that I will make the duke say, “Let him roar again. Let him roar again.”

Quin. An you should do it too terribly, you would fright the duchess and the ladies, that they would shriek; and that were enough to hang us all.

All. That would hang us, every mother’s son.

Bot. I grant you, friends, if that you should fright the ladies out of their wits, they would have no more discretion but to hang us; but I will aggravate my voice so that I will roar you as gently as any sucking dove; I will roar you an ’twere any nightingale.

To everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under the heaven.

There is a time to be born and a time to die; a time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted; a time to kill and a time to heal; a time to break down and a time to build up; a time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance; a time to cast stones and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to get and a time to lose; a time to keep and a time to cast away; a time to rend and a time to sew; a time to keep silence and a time to speak; a time to love and a time to hate; a time for war and a time for peace.

I have seen the tribulation that God has given to the sons of men; yet He has made everything beautiful in its time: and I know that there is no good but for a man to rejoice and to do the good that he can in life: and I would have every man eat and drink and enjoy the fruit of his labor, for this is the gift of God.

Our neighboring city of Buffalo is to be congratulated. The International League of Press Clubs will convene there next summer. A plumber who was accidentally blackballed by the Buffalo club writes me that they will come “some in rags and some in jags.”

If the women who wheel did but know it they would undoubtedly be influenced by the fact, patent to all men, that all the compromise garments for bicycle wear are hideous. There is no beauty in and of any of them. The more cut off they are the worse. There is only one element of grace about drapery, and that is in its flowing lines. The cut-off Russian blouses are no lovelier than a high hat or a hydrant cover. By and by, when Philistine good sense shall have won dominion over the ladies who bike, it will be discovered by them that there is no essential impurity in dress. The woman who does masculine things should wear masculine covering. Why not? Is it to be assumed that the pedal branches of the human form divine are by any natural law under ban? Or is it custom that makes the difference? If so, it will be deemed indecent one of these days to drape the arms, now hidden in balloons, in the tight sleeves of our elder sisters.

It may be guessed at a venture, there being no authority except that nebulous tyranny that controls all matters of feminine custom, that the difficulty would be met in some measure if the fair wheelers did not have to get off the machine in public view. Even a man is apt to be embarrassed when he walks the pavement with a clamp around his nether drapery, both looking and feeling as if he had been through burdocks and come away loaded. It is of easy recollection how one feels on the board walk with clinging garments that were all right in the water a moment ago. The ladies might be willing to wear knickerbockers—and they ought to be told that in nothing else would they look so well—if by some contrivance a fall of drapery sheltered the too-freely evidenced pedestals of beauty when off the wheel. What Felix will invent such a curtain and a way of keeping it out of the way when not wanted? Here is an opening for genius—and a beneficent one, for by such devices is civilization advanced.

Mrs. Frank Guesslie has written an article on How My Husbands Proposed. It will be syndicated by the National Thought Supply and Newspaper Feeding Company.

A newspaper that does much show printing announces in big headlines: “A Woman Clown. The Only One Is With Barnum and Bailey.” Barnum and Bailey reside in different climates just now. That “only” woman clown must be as ubiquitous as Sydney Smith’s Scot.

The Boston Woman’s Rescue League has the champion non sequitur. The league is against bicycling by women, and announces the startling discovery that “thirty per cent of the girls that have come to the Rescue League for aid were bicycle riders at one time.” Probably one hundred per cent of the same were innocent girls at one time. Maybe it was when they biked.

I understand there’s a movement in the Back Bay gravel pit of Boston, Mass., to abolish the word “Mr.” on calling cards. Some of the three-named have been a little crowded for space, perhaps, or it may be that they dimly realize that it isn’t good taste to call oneself by a complimentary title. Some clergymen refuse to sign “Rev.” before their names, or put it in parenthesis as if to have it beyond their personal reach, as New England ladies write “(Miss)” and others “(Mrs.)”. Good Philistines need not be told that Mr. means Master and is a compliment in the second person. It is of a piece with lifting the hat, theoretically a helmet, to the person whom you respect. That was the old time vote of confidence. You thus expressed the belief that he wouldn’t brain you with a broadsword at the first opportunity. Giving the hand was another token of disarmament as a mark of confidence. Bowing the head also invited the knightly salute with any convenient weapon. With this went a more or less sincere confession of his imputed power. You called him “master,” which became “mister” by corruption. Our imitative good society has forgotten the meaning of the thing it imitates, as usual. Our ready-made coats of arms seldom fit. He that is greatest calls himself servant, according to good authority, and not master. Even Beacon Hill and the adjacent desert seems to have come to a realization of the fact. We may look for the cards of John De Smythe Smythe or Perkins Hopkinson Revere with Mr. in brackets or omitted one of these days.

“Mamma,” said seven-year-old, in the suburbs, “when will somebody’s house or somebody’s barn burn up?”

“I don’t know,” said mamma, “I hope never. But I suppose they will sometime.”

“Well,” said the son, with a sigh, “it’s an awful long time since we had a good fire.”

Thus we see that even calamity may furnish entertainment for the simple and sincere.

Rock & Bumball, of Chicago, announce a new volume by Gallbert Faker. Its title is Scenes in the Boshy Hills.

Several mighty and high church bishops in this country are out against “the new woman.” It is noted that they don’t say anything against “the old woman” in general or in particular.

How to Carry a Cat in a Basket is the attractive title of an article to appear in the forthcoming Ladies’ Fireside Fudge, from the pen of its gifted editor, Mr. E. W. Sok.

There are things in these maxnordo days that are enough to make a man strike his father—for something besides a loan. For instance, a few weeks since we had the peculiar spectacle of the Marquis of Queensbury being done up by his son according to London rules; and now in the last issue of the Chip-Munk we see “A Recent Writer in Scribner’s” well cuffed by a boy of whom he is the author. “How sharper than a serpent’s tooth,” etc.

Judge Tourgee is still making straw without bricks in the Basis.

Now that Mrs. Cady Stanton has launched her Woman’s Bible, let her prepare to enter a woman’s heaven. The men won’t be in it.

Robert Grant is getting democratic. He is down as far as the summer girl in the current Scribner.

The Napoleon on the Hearth is a new magazine announced from New York. It will bear the subtitle, Every Man His Own Bonaparte Revival.

A new book by Mr. Poultry Bigead is about ready. It will be called My Collection of Stones from Cherries Eaten by the German Emperor, and will contain a frontispiece of Cavalry Horses Having Spasms, by a well known artist.

On what ought to be very good authority I am told that if the women who wheel adopt knickerbockers, there will be more care of the female infants of the next generation. Some of the ladies who most strongly object to the advanced and advancing style are said to have good reasons in the matter of physical conformation. I know parents who are very careful not to let their boy babies stand alone too early, fearing bow legs. Perhaps the parents of the future will be equally careful about their girlies, in view of the changing fashion in nether drapery.

Apropos of this, I know a very pleasant little lady—pleasant, but thin—whose brother is a sad wag. “Adelaide,” he said to her last Tuesday, “if you wear those new knickerbockers of yours out on the street, you’ll get yourself arrested for having no visible means of support.”

It is asserted that Mr. George A. Hibbard is perfectly serious.

It is really too bad that a magazine which lives up to its standard so well as the Overland Monthly should try to make us believe that its illustrations are much better than those in Frank Leslie’s Budget.

How I Wrote the Account of How I Wrote My First Book, by General Louisa Wallace, author of Bob Hur, is announced.

I have received through Messrs. Funk & Wagnalls, publishers of a Methodist dictionary and other works of erudition and vital piety, an invitation to vote aye on a large number of changes of words in common use—mostly in the fonetic direction. Simplicity is the apparent aim. There is a good deal of retrospect in the list. Some of the spellings that were licked out of us when we were boys seem like old friends come back to ask our pardon. The old days are with us when we are told to spell “skul,” for example. The evisceration of sacred words is a little arbitrary. “Savior” is spelt without the full-mouthed British “u,” dear to every lover of the Prayer Book, but Antichrist isn’t economized at all. “Pel-mel” looks it, if a word ever did. “Graf” is something to be guessed at, and one may ask if “adulterin” is something to eat. The fonetix didn’t reach Czar, or perhaps our M. E.—me friends are respecters of persons. However, they shortened “pontiff” by an “f,” and I wouldn’t be surprised if His Holiness masqueraded as “Pop” in the next circular. It is interesting, if not impressive, this reform—like the abbreviation of bicycle clothes and the sending of bad writing by wire.

That choking female on the cover of the Mid-Continent is still tottering, but hasn’t tumbled yet. Neither have the publishers, it would seem.

A hammock and a book and a horse and a yacht are really enough to begin with for Robert Grant. He says as much in Scribner’s and he doesn’t care a dam for Newport for a week or two. How little the things of this vain world appeal to those who can have them by touching a button.

It runs in the Howl family. W. Dean has a daughter who puts her poems under display ad heads in Scribner’s. The decorative head is the thing. The poem just belongs.

The last Century is not so distinctly medieval as some of its predecessors.

Mrs. Robert Humphrey Elsmere Ward has quit twaddling for a space. “Bessie Costrell” is ended, and it’s a toss up between jubilate and nunc dimittis.

The current Atlantic is very pacific—not to say mild.

The June Chautauquan really praises “newspaper English.” This is the time of year when the Reservation wants all the newspaper English it can get for nothing.

The amazing thing about that Amazing Marriage is the lot of talk the proof reader has read about it.

Tarbell discovered Napoleon, but McClure discovered Tarbell. Now let’s have a series of living documents—“Tarbell at 8,” “Tarbell at 9:30,” “Tarbell at 46,” etc.

The World, the Flesh and the Devil have gone out of partnership in the ’Frisco News-Letter. The head of the firm retires.

THE SPOTTED SPRINTER.

AFTER THE MANNER OF MR. STEAMIN’ STORK.

I saw a man making a fool of himself;
He was writing a poem,
Scratch, scratch, scratch went his pen,
“Go ’way, Man,” says I; “you can’t do it.”
He picked up a handful of red devils and
Threw them at my head.
“You infernal liar,” he howled,
“I can write poetry with my toes!”
I was disquieted. I turned and
Ran like a Blue Streak for the Horizon,
Yelling Bloody Murder.
When I got there I
Bit a piece out of it
And lay down on my stomach and
Thought.
And breathed hard.

AN EARNEST CRY AND PRAYER.

ADDRESSED TO THE BAIRNS AND OTHER RELATIVES OF ALL SUCCESSFUL AUTHORS.

Ye kin of unco’ writing men,
How can ye sing sae weak, sae flat;
How can ye wag the little pen,
And I sae weary and a’ that!

A near relation ye may ain,
Wha’s joyed me muckle in the past—
That canna sooth my inward pain—
Ye’ll break my swelling heart at last!

Thou well mayst be a poet’s son,
And still shouldst gather trolley fare;
The daughter of a mighty one,
And yet shouldst maul the typewritair!

Oh, relatives of canny men,
Think ye that I’ve a heart to feel;
Stay, stay the wild cavorting pen,
And gie my wounds a chance to heal.

The Ahkoond of Swat.

TO THE NICEST GIRL.

AFTER THE FRENCH OF PIERRE DE RONSARD.

Eyes of brown: The major key
In which, ’tis plain, days ought to be,
Seems all in minor chords; the strings
Have slipped down half-a-tone, and things
Are dark as blackest night to me.

And why? Because your brown eyes bring
The vision of a heart to me;
The vision of a heart to sing
Of Life and Love and Loyalty—
I may not win. That’s why the strings
Are out of tune.

H. P. T.

ADVERTISEMENTS.

ROCK & BUMBALL, Literary Undertakers.

Peacock Feather Caskets a Specialty. Caxton Building, Chicago.

USE BLISS CARMAN’S CONDITION Powders. Make poets lay. Chicago and Canada.

H₂ BOYSEN, Literary Analyst. Ibsen interpreted while you wait. Columbia College, N. Y.

WALTER QUEER NICHOLS, ONE of Harper’s Young People, Manufacturer Castoria Jokes. Warranted harmless. Address Harper’s Drawer, Franklin Square, New York.

MAVERICK BRANDER MATTHEWS, Dealer in Local Color in bulk or tubes. Columbia College, New York. Write for specimens. Reference, Bacheler, Johnson & Bacheler.

WEE WILLIE WINTER, DESIGNER of graveyards. Weeps to order. References: A. Daly, L. Langtry, A. Rehan.

CABLEGRAM.

Nice, 1 Juin.

To Bumball, Chicago:

Philistine received. Fire Carman.

Rock.

Coll $7.61.

MEDITATIONS IN MOTLEY.

By WALTER BLACKBURN HARTE

“Meditations in Motley” reveals a new American essayist, honest and whimsical, with a good deal of decorative plain speaking. An occasional carelessness of style is redeemed by unfailing insight.—I. Zangwill in The Pall Mall Magazine for April, 1895.

A series of well written essays, remarkable on the whole for observation, refinement of feeling and literary sense. The book may be taken as a wholesome protest against the utilitarian efforts of the Time-Spirit, and as a plea for the rights and liberties of the imagination. We congratulate Mr. Harte on the success of his book.—Public Opinion, London, England.

Mr. Harte is not always so good in the piece as in the pattern, but he is often a pleasant companion, and I have met with no volume of essays from America since Miss Agnes Repplier’s so good as his “Meditations in Motley.”—Richard Le Gallienne, in the London Review.

PRICE, CLOTH $1.25.

For sale by all Booksellers, or sent postpaid on receipt of price by The Philistine.

LITTLE JOURNEYS

To the Homes of Good Men and Great.

A series of literary studies published in monthly numbers, tastefully printed on hand-made paper, with attractive title-page.

By ELBERT HUBBARD

The publishers announce that Little Journeys will be issued monthly and that each number will treat of recent visits made by Mr. Elbert Hubbard to the homes and haunts of various eminent persons. The subjects for the first twelve numbers have been arranged as follows:

- 1. George Eliot
- 2. Thomas Carlyle
- 3. John Ruskin
- 4. W. E. Gladstone
- 5. J. M. W. Turner
- 6. Jonathan Swift
- 7. Victor Hugo
- 8. Wm. Wordsworth
- 9. W. M. Thackeray
- 10. Charles Dickens
- 11. Oliver Goldsmith
- 12. Shakespeare

LITTLE JOURNEYS:
Published Monthly, 50 cents a year. Single copies. 5 cents, postage paid.

Published by G. P. PUTNAM’S SONS,

27 and 29 West 23d Street, New York.
24 Bedford Street, Strand, London.

*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE PHILISTINE ***

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Table of Contents

- THE PHILISTINE.

- CONTENTS FOR JULY, 1895.

- THE PHILISTINE

- SOME LITTLE VERSES.

- OF EDWARD ROWLAND SILL.

- LOST JOY.

- WHERE IS LITERATURE AT?

- THE LAUGHTER OF THE GODS.

- FASHION IN LETTERS AND THINGS.

- THE LORD OF LANTURLU.

- A FREE LUNCH LEAGUE.

- THE NEW HAHNEMANN.

- AN INTERVIEW WITH THE DEVIL.

- SIDE TALKS WITH THE PHILISTINES: BEING SUNDRY BITS OF WISDOM WHICH HAVE BEEN HERETOFORE SECRETED, AND ARE NOW SET FORTH IN PRINT.

- THE SPOTTED SPRINTER.

- AN EARNEST CRY AND PRAYER.

- TO THE NICEST GIRL.

- ADVERTISEMENTS.

- CABLEGRAM.

- THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE