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Title: The Gibson Book: A Collection of Published Works of Charles Dana Gibson. Vol. II

Author: Charles Dana Gibson

Release date: February 21, 2021 [eBook #64604]

Language: English

Credits: Chuck Greif and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images available at The Internet Archive)

*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE GIBSON BOOK: A COLLECTION OF PUBLISHED WORKS OF CHARLES DANA GIBSON. VOL. II ***

CONTENTS:

A WIDOW AND HER FRIENDS

THE SOCIAL LADDER

THE WEAKER SEX

EVERYDAY PEOPLE

OUR NEIGHBORS

(etext transcriber's note)

THE GIBSON BOOK

A COLLECTION OF THE PUBLISHED WORKS OF

CHARLES DANA GIBSON

IN TWO VOLUMES

Vol. II

NEW YORK: CHARLES SCRIBNER’S SONS

R. H. RUSSELL

1906

Acknowledgment is here made to Messrs. Harper & Brothers (the publishers of seven of Mr. Gibson’s books), by special arrangement with whom this work is made possible.

Copyright, 1894, by R. H. Russell & Son.

Copyright, 1894, 1898, 1899, 1900, 1901, 1902, by Robert Howard Russell.

Copyright, 1897, 1903, 1904, 1905, 1906, by Charles Scribner’s Sons.

ELEVEN

GIBSON BOOKS

IN

TWO VOLUMES

A WIDOW AND HER FRIENDS

SHE CONTEMPLATES THE CLOISTER.

SHE DECIDES TO DIE IN SPITE OF DR. BOTTLES.

SHE FINDS THAT EXERCISE DOES NOT IMPROVE HER SPIRITS.

MISS BABBLES, THE AUTHORESS, CALLS AND READS ALOUD.

SHE FINDS SOME CONSOLATION IN HER MIRROR.

A QUIET DINNER WITH DR. BOTTLES; AFTER WHICH HE READS ALOUD MISS BABBLES’S LATEST WORK.

A MESSAGE FROM THE OUTSIDE WORLD.

SOME THINK THAT SHE HAS REMAINED IN RETIREMENT TOO LONG. OTHERS ARE SURPRISED THAT SHE IS ABOUT SO SOON.

SHE IS THE SUBJECT OF MORE HOSTILE CRITICISM.

MRS. DIGGS IS ALARMED AT DISCOVERING WHAT SHE IMAGINES TO BE A SNAKE THAT THREATENS THE SAFETY OF HER ONLY CHILD. MR. DIGGS DOES NOT SHARE HIS WIFE’S ANXIETY.

SHE LOOKS FOR RELIEF AMONG SOME OF THE OLD ONES.

SHE LONGS FOR SECLUSION AND DECIDES TO LEAVE TOWN FOR A MILDER CLIMATE. WHILE PREPARING FOR THE JOURNEY SHE COMES ACROSS SOME OLD THINGS THAT RECALL OTHER DAYS.

THE DAY AFTER ARRIVING AT HER JOURNEY’S END.

SHE GOES INTO COLORS.

THEY GO FISHING.

FAILING TO FIND REST AND QUIET IN THE COUNTRY, SHE DECIDES TO RETURN HOME.

MR. WADDLES ARRIVES LATE AND FINDS HER CARD FILLED.

SHE BECOMES A TRAINED NURSE.

THEY TAKE A MORNING RUN.

MISS BABBLES BRINGS A COPY OF A MORNING PAPER, AND EXPRESSES HER INDIGNATION AND SYMPATHY OVER A SCURRILOUS ARTICLE. MEANWHILE OTHER FRIENDS ARE CALLING UPON THE EDITOR.

THEY ALL GO SKATING.

SHE GOES TO THE FANCY DRESS BALL AS “JULIET.”

SHE IS DISTURBED BY A VISION WHICH APPEARS TO BE HERSELF.

AND HERE, WINNING NEW FRIENDS AND NOT LOSING THE OLD ONES, WE LEAVE HER.

STEPPED ON.

The Expert: WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SHE HAS ONE?

I CAN HEAR NOTHING.

SURE TO BE.

She: I AM SO ANXIOUS TO HAVE THESE THEATRICALS A SUCCESS. IF THE MEMBERS ARE ONLY ENTHUSIASTIC, IT WILL BE.

He: HAVE NO FEAR. EVERY MAN IN IT IS TO MAKE LOVE TO ANOTHER MAN’S WIFE.

A WORD IN PRIVATE.

IF YOU ARE DULL YOURSELVES, DON’T HAVE YOUR DINNER TOO LONG.

LES FIANCÉS.

She: WE ARE TOO POOR TO MARRY.

“BUT I AM WORTH A MILLION, BAH JOVE!”

“TRUE. BUT IF YOU WERE WORTH TWO MILLIONS, WE WOULD BE SO MUCH BETTER OFF THAN THOSE WHO HAVE ONLY ONE.”

EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD THAT MONEY CAN BUY.

She: I SOMETIMES WONDER WHETHER ALL THOSE THINGS YOU SAID TO ME WERE TRUE.

“WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE? WE BOTH BELIEVED THEM.”

A WARNING TO WIVES.

MRS. BOUNDERS KEPT HER HUSBAND UP LATE ONCE TOO OFTEN.

HE IS NOW TAKING HIS EASE IN A SANITARIUM.

“THEY SAY MISS CLINKER HAS SO MUCH MONEY SHE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT.”

“ISN’T SHE CHARITABLE?”

“NO, SHE REFUSED ME.”

She: YOU ARE SO AWKWARD IN YOUR LOVE-MAKING THAT SOMETIMES I AM SUSPICIOUS.

“OF WHAT?”

“THAT YOU MAY BE SINCERE.”

A DISPOSITION.

He: YOU’LL HAVE TO GO A LONG WAY BEFORE YOU WILL MEET ANYONE WHO LOVES YOU MORE THAN I.

She: WELL, I’M WILLING TO.

EASTER MORNING.

FROM THE SUSCEPTIBLE PARSON’S POINT OF VIEW.

LOVE’S EXPRESS.

EMBARRASSING

FOR LITTLE HOPKINS, WHO THOUGHT SHE MEANT IT FOR HIM.

LOVE IN A GARDEN.

THE BRIDE’S HEALTH.

The Dog: HERE HE HAS BEEN HANGING AROUND US FOR A MONTH, AND WE LEAVE TO-NIGHT.

“OH HE’S HORRID! I CAN’T BEAR TO LOOK AT HIM.”

“BUT SOMETHING MIGHT BE MADE OF HIM.”

“NO, HE LISTENS WITH HIS MOUTH.”

SOCIAL DEBTS.

AS THE LAST GUEST GOES—THANK HEAVEN!

WHO CARES?

HERE IT IS CHRISTMAS, AND THEY BEGAN SAYING GOOD-BYE IN AUGUST.

THE SOCIAL LADDER

THE SOCIAL LADDER.

STUDIES IN EXPRESSION.

AN IMITATION OF THE LADY OF THE HOUSE.

MRS. STEELE POOLE’S HOUSEWARMING.

MR. MEEKER DOESN’T OBJECT SO MUCH TO HIS WIFE’S ENTERTAINMENTS AS HE DOES TO THE WAY SHE USES HIS ROOM FOR THE GENTLEMEN’S THINGS.

HIS REVENGE.

Time: Any morning at 4:15.

MR. MEEKER, HAVING BEEN KEPT UP LATE FOR THE LAST TWENTY YEARS AND REBUKED FOR HIS LACK OF INTEREST, DEVELOPS A SUDDEN ENTHUSIASM. MRS. MEEKER AND THE GIRLS NOW DO THE WAITING.

THE STORY OF HIS LIFE.

STUDIES IN EXPRESSION.

AT A DRAMATIC AGENCY.

THE TROUBLES OF THE RICH.

AT THE LAST MOMENT, SEVERAL WHO WERE INVITED SEND THEIR REGRETS.

THE MAIN OBJECT.

He: WOULD YOU MIND IF I JOINED ANOTHER CLUB?

“OH, NO, DEAR! WILL IT KEEP YOU AWAY FROM HOME ANY MORE?”

THE SONG OF THE DEBUTANTE.

“MOTHER, DEAR MOTHER, COME HOME WITH ME NOW.”

THE HEIRESS.

SHE CANNOT TALK, SHE CANNOT SING,

SHE LOOKS A FRIGHT; BUT FOLKS AVER

TEN MILLIONS HAVE BEEN SET APART

TO TALK AND SING AND LOOK FOR HER.

MR. GRUBBS WALKS IN HIS SLEEP AND APPEARS FOR THE FIRST AND ONLY TIME AT AN ENTERTAINMENT IN HIS OWN HOUSE.

WHY NOT

HAVE PLATE GLASS FRONTS TO THE OPERA BOXES? THE OCCUPANTS COULD STILL BE SEEN, BUT NOT HEARD.

THE NEXT MORNING.

Mrs. Innittor Dedd’s maid reads: “AMONG THOSE PRESENT WAS MRS. INNITTOR DEDD, WHOSE LOVELY FACE AND SPLENDID FIGURE WERE ENHANCED BY A TIARA OF DIAMONDS AND THREE ROPES OF PEARLS. SHE WORE HER FAMOUS RUBIES AND WAS EVEN MORE REGAL THAN AT THE BULLYON’S BALL THE NIGHT BEFORE,” ETC., ETC.

ADVICE TO A HOSTESS.

KEEP YOUR ENTERTAINMENT WITHIN THE MENTAL GRASP OF YOUR GUESTS.

LIGHTER THAN AIR.

MODERN CELEBRITIES.

AN INTERESTING DISCUSSION BETWEEN THE AUTHOR OF “THE BARENNESS OF UNKISSED KISSES” AND A FAMOUS DRAMATIST.

WASTED ENERGY.

Professor Bung: A BEAUTY? WELL, PERHAPS SHE IS.

Mr. Rattles: WHY, MAN, HAVEN’T YOU NOTICED THE DIVINE WAY SHE SMILES?

“OH, I’M NOT ALTOGETHER UNOBSERVANT. I HAVE MADE A CALCULATION, IN FACT, THAT THE ENERGY EXPENDED ON HER SMILES, IF SCIENTIFICALLY APPLIED, WOULD RUN AN AUTOMOBILE.”

She: YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT IS TO LOVE.

“I DON’T, EH? HAVEN’T I BEEN TO EVERY PLAY, READ EVERY POPULAR NOVEL IN THE LAST SIX MONTHS, GOT INTO DEBT HOPELESSLY, HAD MY APPENDIX REMOVED, AND ALL FOR YOUR SAKE?”

STUDIES IN EXPRESSION.

SHOWING THAT A MAN MAY BE A HERO IN HIS OWN HOUSE.

OF COURSE THERE ARE MERMAIDS.

PLENTY OF GOOD FISH IN THE SEA.

PARASITES.

BASKING IN THE GOLDEN SUNSHINE.

HIS CHRISTMAS GIFT.

A SUGGESTION.

FOR ILL-ASSORTED PAIRS.

THE ENTHUSIAST WHO INSISTS UPON SHOWING YOU HIS ESTATE.

A CROOKED TALE.

THERE WAS A CROOKED MAN,

WHO MADE A CROOKED DEAL,

AND GOT A CROOKED FORTUNE

BY A VERY CROOKED STEAL;

HE HAD A CROOKED WIFE,

WITH A VERY CROOKED NAME,

AND NOW THEY LIVE APART

IN VERY CROOKED FAME.

THE AMBITIOUS MOTHER AND THE OBLIGING CLERGYMAN.

STUDIES IN EXPRESSION.

WHILE A SPANISH-AMERICAN HERO DESCRIBES THE HORRORS OF WAR.

FROZEN.

He: YOU PROMISED TO BE MY PUPIL AND LEARN TO LOVE ME.

“BUT IT MAKES SUCH A DIFFERENCE WHEN YOUR HEART ISN’T IN YOUR WORK.”

WHERE IGNORANCE, ETC.

“WHERE DO YOU GO ON YOUR WEDDING TRIP?”

“THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN WONDERING.”

THE MERRY-GO-ROUND.

MRS. KATCHAM PRIDES HERSELF ON ALWAYS HAVING THE LATEST CELEBRITY AT HER HOUSE. TO-NIGHT IT IS NO LESS A PERSONAGE THAN “GOUGER.”

STUDIES IN EXPRESSION.

WHILE UNCLE JOE HAS HIS TIE FIXED.

STUDY IN EXPRESSION.

WHILE THE HOSTESS WHISPERS TO JONES, “REMEMBER, NOW, WE ARE COUNTING ON YOU TO MAKE US LAUGH.”

ONE OF THE DISADVANTAGES OF BEING IN LOVE WITH AN ATHLETIC GIRL.

PILLSBURY DOES NOT CARE FOR SOCIETY, BUT HIS WIFE WILL NOT GO WITHOUT HIM.

WHY SOME CHILDREN DIDN’T GET THEIR PRESENTS.

ALAS! THE VOICE OF HIS FIANCÉE.

STUDIES IN EXPRESSION.

THE AUTHOR AND THE SOUBRETTE.

THE HALF ORPHAN.

“MAMMA WILL BE DOWN IN A MINUTE.”

“UNLUCKY AT CARDS, LUCKY IN LOVE.”

WHEN A MAN’S IN LOVE.

THE WEAKER SEX.—I.

THE FIRST DRAWING OF THIS SERIES GIVES A NECESSARILY IMPERFECT PORTRAIT OF THE HERO, SINCE HE IS DISCOVERED IN THE ACT OF CARRYING ON TWO CONVERSATIONS AT A TIME.

THE WEAKER SEX.—II.

THE SECOND DRAWING GIVES US NO BETTER PORTRAIT OF THE HERO THAN THE FIRST. WE MAY CONJECTURE, HOWEVER, THAT, BEING A BACHELOR, THE EXPERIENCE DEPICTED IN THE FIRST DRAWING HAS IMPAIRED THE YOUNG MAN’S SLEEP. HE PROBABLY IMAGINES HIMSELF THE LATEST VICTIM OF SOME FAIR ENTOMOLOGIST.

THE WEAKER SEX.—III.

IN THE THIRD DRAWING OF THIS SERIES WE GET A PORTRAIT OF THE HERO. BUT HE IS AGAIN IN A DISTRESSING DILEMMA. JUST AS HE IS ADVISED BY HIS PHYSICIAN TO AVOID ALL EXCITEMENT, A YOUNG PERSON ENTERS AND HE DEVELOPS FURTHER ALARMING SYMPTOMS, WHEREUPON AN IMMEDIATE CHANGE OF SCENE IS PRESCRIBED.

THE WEAKER SEX.—IV.

IN PURSUANCE OF THE ADVICE OF HIS PHYSICIANS, OUR HERO STARTS ON HIS JOURNEY IN SEARCH OF REST, BUT AT THE VERY OUTSET FINDS HIMSELF CONFRONTED BY ANOTHER DISTRESSING CIRCUMSTANCE: HIS SEAT IN THE PARLOR CAR IS NEXT TO MISS PEACHEM, FOR WHOM HE HAS ALWAYS HAD THE MOST PROFOUND REGARD.

THE WEAKER SEX.—V.

ARRIVING AT HIS JOURNEY’S END, HE MEETS AN OLD FRIEND WHO INSISTS ON TAKING HIM HOME AND INTRODUCING HIM TO HIS DAUGHTERS.

THE WEAKER SEX.—VI.

AFTER A VAIN SEARCH FOR REST AND QUIET, HE FALLS INTO A MOST SENSITIVE CONDITION AND SUFFERS FROM THE COLD.

THE WEAKER SEX.—VII.

HE TAKES A HAND AT BRIDGE AND HAS DIFFICULTY IN KEEPING HIS MIND ON THE GAME, WITH THE RESULT THAT HE REPEATEDLY TRUMPS HIS PARTNER’S TRICKS.

THE WEAKER SEX.—VIII.

HE GOES TO THE PLAY, BUT FINDS IT IMPOSSIBLE TO BECOME INTERESTED IN THE PIECE.

THE WEAKER SEX.—IX.

HE SUDDENLY LOSES ALL INTEREST IN FOOT-BALL.

THE WEAKER SEX.—X.

HAVING DETERMINED TO SETTLE DOWN, WE LEAVE HIM IN THE ACT OF DECIDING UPON AN OBJECT FOR AFFECTION.

SOME WOMEN PREFER DOGS.

AFTER FIFTEEN YEARS.

WHEN SHE REFUSED HIM HE VOWED HE WOULD NEVER MARRY.

THE SOCIAL PUSH.

ALMOST IN.

MR. A. MERGER HOGG IS TAKING A FEW DAYS’ MUCH-NEEDED REST AT HIS COUNTRY HOME.

THE JURY OF THE FUTURE—ONE THAT MIGHT TEMPER JUSTICE WITH MERCY.

STUDIES IN EXPRESSION.

WHEN WOMEN ARE JURORS.

Miss Boston: “AH YES: YOUR VERSES ARE CHARMING. AND HAVE YOU NEVER WRITTEN A NOVEL?”

Miss New York: “NO: FOR IF I DID MY MOTHER WOULD NEVER LET ME READ IT.”

Actress: “I want you to mention the fact of my diamonds being stolen.”

“WHEN DID IT HAPPEN?”

“NEXT WEEK.”

STUDIES IN EXPRESSION.

WHEN A DEBUTANTE MEETS THE ELIGIBLE YOUNG MEN OF HER MOTHER’S ACQUAINTANCE.

SIX A. M.

JUST BEFORE HE AWOKE.

“BOTH THOSE LORDS ARE AFTER HER, AND SHE DOESN’T KNOW WHICH TO ACCEPT.”

“ISN’T ONE AS GOOD AS THE OTHER?”

“YES, BUT SHE CAN’T TELL IN ADVANCE WHICH IS THE CHEAPER.”

HIS DANCE.

She: “I KNOW THAT YOU MUST HAVE MADE LOVE BEFORE TO SOME OTHER GIRL.”

“BUT I HAD YOU IN MIND ALL THE TIME.”

A HAPPY FACULTY.

Young Tutter (to Hostess): “I HAVE HAD A VERY PLEASANT EVENING. BUT THEN I ALWAYS MANAGE TO ENJOY MYSELF, NO MATTER WHERE I AM.”

STUDIES IN EXPRESSION.

WHILE AN OLD GENTLEMAN LISTENS TO SOME OF HIS SON’S CLASSMATES.

ALL BROKEN UP.

ANOTHER COLLISION WITH SERIOUS RESULTS.

“CALLED OUT.”

A POSSIBILITY OF THE FUTURE WHEN SOCIETY SHALL HAVE BECOME THOROUGHLY UNIONIZED.

HE: “AND SO YOU WON’T LET ME BE YOURS.”

A PEACH CROP.

THE PARTY WALL.

KIND OF FUNNY, AFTER ALL.

“IT’S NO LAUGHING MATTER TO BE REJECTED BY A MILLION DOLLARS!”

“WELL, I DON’T KNOW. YOU SEE, OLD MAN, SHE’S JUST ACCEPTED ME.”

“MY UNCLE DIED YESTERDAY SIR, AND I WANT YOU TO OFFICIATE. CAN YOU SAY SOMETHING NICE ABOUT HIM?”

“BUT I DIDN’T KNOW HIM.”

“GOOD! YOU’RE JUST THE MAN.”

AT A FASHIONABLE FUNERAL.

BY WAY OF A CHANGE.

SOME OF THE CARETAKER’S RELATIONS.

PORTRAIT OF THE GENTLEMAN WHO WAS UNWILLING TO ATTEND A FANCY DRESS BALL UNTIL HE SAW HIMSELF IN COSTUME.

THE FIRST DUTY OF AN OPULENT MOTHER IS TO SHIELD HER CHILD FROM AMBITIOUS FEMALES.

“HALF MOURNING.”

A DISCREET APPROACH.

“ADVISE ME, UNCLE JACK.”

“OF COURSE; WHAT IS IT?”

“SHALL I ASK YOU FOR TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS, OR FOR FIFTY?”

A LAST REMEMBRANCE.

Ethel (ecstatically): “OH, CHARLIE, WOULD YOU JUST AS LEAVE PROPOSE ALL OVER AGAIN, AND DO IT INTO THIS PHONOGRAPH?”

Cholly: “WHY?”

Ethel: “WHY, I WANT TO HAVE SOMETHING TO REMEMBER YOU BY AFTER YOU HAVE GONE IN AND SPOKEN TO PAPA ABOUT IT.”

WHY SHE DIDN’T GET THE PLACE.

THE MAN BEHIND THE PAPER VENTURED THE OPINION THAT SHE MIGHT DO.

BYGONE SUMMERS.

A FRIEZE FOR AN OLD GENTLEMAN’S ROOM.

Ferguson (the politest man in New York): “WHEN YOU GO BACK, NORA, PLEASE ASK THE COOK IF THERE IS ANY COLD MEAT IN THE HOUSE.” (Exit Nora.)

To the company: “I beg you to excuse our maid. These accidents happen to her somewhat overfrequently. She was bred, I believe, a dairymaid, but had to leave that employment because of her inability to handle the cows without breaking off their horns.”

THIS IS THE SEASON WHEN EVEN THE SNOW MAN HAS A HEART.

MAKING BREAD PILLS.

ADVICE TO BORES.

IF YOU CANNOT MAKE YOUR PRESENCE FELT BY YOUR BRAINS, DO IT WITH YOUR FEET.

ADVICE TO NOBLEMEN.

WHEN SPEAKING TO YOUR FIANCÉE’S FATHER ASSUME AN EASY POSTURE AND ADOPT A FRIENDLY MANNER.

STUDIES IN EXPRESSION.

DAUBSON SHOWS HIS LATEST WORK.

THE RETIRED WALKING DELEGATE OF THE FUTURE.

DESPERATE COURSE OF A LOVER WHOSE FIANCÉE IS A CONFIRMED LION-HUNTER.

WHEN A BACHELOR IS ILL.

COMPLICATIONS OFTEN ARISE THAT NO AMOUNT OF MEDICINE WILL CURE.

THE BROKER RINGS UP HIS GIRL.

“HELLO! HELLO! BIG STRIKE IN CONSOLIDATED CATAMOUNT—CAN MARRY—WANT THREE DAYS’ OPTION HAND AND HEART.”

She: WILL GIVE REFUSAL.

THE BRUTE VENTURES TO SUGGEST THAT A BONNET MIGHT BE MORE SUITABLE.

ADVICE TO SNOBS.

IF YOU WISH TO GET ON, DEVOTE YOURSELF TO THOSE WHO ENTERTAIN.

DESIGN FOR WALL PAPER.

SUITABLE FOR A BACHELOR APARTMENT.

THE SEED OF AMBITION.

STUDIES IN EXPRESSION.

THE “CHORUS GIRL’S” VISIT HOME.

ADVICE TO BORES.

FOLLOW YOUR CARD UPSTAIRS AND FIND OUT WHAT THEY REALLY THINK OF YOU.

TWO’S COMPANY, THREE’S A CROWD.

THE OTHER MAN SHOULD REMEMBER THAT HE IS A CROWD.

HER FACE AND—HER FORTUNE.

A CASTLE IN THE AIR.

THESE YOUNG GIRLS WHO MARRY OLD MILLIONAIRES SHOULD STOP DREAMING.

THE GREATEST GAME IN THE WORLD—HIS MOVE.

FELLOW PASSENGERS.

IN THE SAME BOAT.

MR. WIGGS RENTS A COTTAGE FOR THE SUMMER.

“ALL THE COMFORTS OF HOME.”

HER SUMMER FRIENDS.

THE PROUD MERCHANT.

“TWO STRIKES AND THE BASES FULL.”

THE IMAGE OF HIS FATHER.

RACE SUICIDE.

STUDIES IN EXPRESSION.

IN THE MONKEY HOUSE.

ON THE SIDEWALKS OF NEW YORK.

SEQUEL TO AN UNPROFITABLE THEATRICAL SEASON.

AT THE DRESSMAKER’S.

“STOUT? OH, DEAR, NO!!!”

THE JURY DISAGREES.

THE CHAMPION.

THEIR DAUGHTER IN THE CITY.

A RESOLVE.

Cousin Kate: “NOW THAT YOU ARE WELL OFF, CHARLIE, YOU MUSTN’T LET THEM SAY OF YOU, ‘A FOOL AND HIS MONEY ARE SOON PARTED.’”

Cousin Charles: “NO, YOU BET I WON’T. I’LL SHOW THEM THAT I AM AN EXCEPTION TO THE RULE.”

AFTER SOME YEARS OF WAITING, MR. TAGG AT LAST APPEARS IN THE SOCIETY COLUMNS.

THE MENTION OF MR. TAGG’S NAME IN THE SOCIAL COLUMN ATTRACTS SOME GENTLEMEN OF THE PRESS.

MR. TAGG GRACEFULLY SUBMITS TO AN INTERVIEW.

UNCLE TAGG MAKES HIS WILL.

MR. TAGG BECOMES A PATRON OF THE ARTS.

MR. TAGG IS VERY POPULAR WITH THE DINNER-GIVERS.

MR. TAGG FINDS THE YOUNGER PEOPLE MORE DIFFICULT TO PLEASE.

IN ORDER TO PRESERVE HIS FIGURE, MR. TAGG BECOMES A PATRON OF THE MANLY ART.

ASSISTED BY HIS INSTRUCTOR, “PATSY, THE PUGG,” HE DEMONSTRATES TO SOME TITLED FOREIGNERS THE FINE POINTS OF THE GAME.

WHEN INVITED TO DINNER, MR. TAGG ATTRACTS CONSIDERABLE NOTICE BY BEING LATE.

HIS ONLY OPPORTUNITY.

MR. TAGG, AS HOST, WISHES TO BECOME PERMANENTLY IDENTIFIED WITH CERTAIN IMPORTANT PEOPLE OF FASHION.

LIONS.

MR. TAGG GIVES A MUSICALE AND TAKES PLEASURE IN INTRODUCING TWO RIVAL TENORS.

IN DIPLOMATIC CIRCLES.

MR. TAGG IS FASCINATED BY WASHINGTON SOCIETY AND DECIDES TO GO INTO POLITICS. HE ENJOYS A VISION OF HIMSELF AT THE COURT OF ST. JAMES.

THE NOMINATING COMMITTEE.

MR. TAGG IS PERSUADED TO RUN FOR OFFICE.

IN POLITICS.

MR. TAGG FINDS IT EXPENSIVE AND AFTER ALL WONDERS IF IT HELPS HIM SOCIALLY.

POSTPONING THE INHERITANCE.

MISS TAGG EXPLAINED THE GAME TO HER UNCLE, WHO IS GREATLY IMPROVED BY THE EXERCISE.

HAVING TAKEN ALL THE NECESSARY LEGAL STEPS, MR. TAGG IS GREATLY MORTIFIED AT HIS DAUGHTER’S REFUSAL TO MARRY A NOBLEMAN.

SHOCKING.

MR. TAGG LEARNS THAT HIS DAUGHTER IS GOING TO MARRY AN AMERICAN.

A YEAR OR TWO LATER.

UNCLE TAGG MAKES A NEW WILL.

THE SUSCEPTIBLE ROCK.

EVEN NATURE RESPONDS.

Old Moneybags: “CAN YOU SIT UP WITH MY DAUGHTER EVERY NIGHT AND STILL DO YOUR REGULAR BUSINESS, SIR?”

“BUT THAT’S MY REGULAR BUSINESS.”

PORTRAIT OF AN OLD GENTLEMAN ON THE WRONG CORNER.

STUDIES IN EXPRESSION.

SHOWING A NEWLY ENGAGED COUPLE AT A LARGE DINNER PARTY.

The Father: “YOUNG MAN, DO YOU REALIZE THAT YOUR COLLEGE CAREER HAS COST ME TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS?”

“WELL, GOVERNOR, IT WAS WORTH IT.”

ANOTHER GET-RICH-QUICK SWINDLE.

A CAREFUL DAUGHTER.

“NO, MOTHER, THIS BOOK IS NOT AT ALL FIT FOR YOU TO SEE.” “BUT YOU ARE READING IT!” “AH, BUT WE WERE BROUGHT UP SO DIFFERENTLY.”

“ARE YOUR INTENTIONS TOWARD THE WIDOW SERIOUS?”

“OH, VERY. I AM GOING, IF POSSIBLE, TO GET OUT OF MARRYING HER.”

$ $ $ $ $

He: “SHALL WE TALK OR DANCE?”

“I’M SO TIRED. LET’S DANCE.”

Millionaire: “How do I known, sir, that you have any business ability?”

“I have persuaded your daughter to marry me.”

Actor: “IN THIS DUEL SCENE WHO GETS THE WORST OF IT?”

Stage Manager: “THE AUDIENCE.”

IN ONE OF OUR MOST RESPECTABLE CLUBS, THE MORNING AFTER THE BIG FIGHT.

A DESCRIPTION OF THE EVENT BY AN EYE-WITNESS.

He: “WAS THAT YOU I KISSED IN THE CONSERVATORY LAST NIGHT?”

“ABOUT WHAT TIME WAS IT?”

GRANDMA TAKES THE BABY TO THE PHOTOGRAPHER’S.

CHANGED.

Mr. Eubeedee: “YES, I’VE CHANGED A GOOD DEAL SINCE THEN, MRS. JONES.”

“AND FOR THE BETTER, I TRUST.”

“THEY USED TO CALL ME A WILD YOUTH, YOU REMEMBER; BUT NOW—— ”

“NOW?”

“NOW THEY CALL ME AN OLD REPROBATE.”

NO USE.

“DON’T YOU THINK IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO SEND OUR BELOVED PASTOR ABROAD?”

“BUT HE WOULDN’T STAY.”

He: “I HOPE THE FACT THAT I’VE LED A GAY LIFE AND BEEN OUT NIGHTS A GREAT DEAL WON’T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE.”

“INDEED IT DOES. IF I ACCEPTED YOU, YOU might REFORM.”

FROM THE BARTENDER’S POINT OF VIEW.

GOING TO WORK.

DEDICATED TO THE EMPLOYERS OF CHILDREN.

THE MAN SHE REALLY CARES FOR SITS IN THE GALLERY.

SOME TICKER FACES.

“HAVE YOU MET HIM SOCIALLY?”

“DEAR ME, NO. ONLY IN A BUSINESS WAY. I MARRIED HIS DAUGHTER.”

Mr.: “THE COOK HAS AGREED TO STAY.”

Mrs.: “HOW DID YOU MANAGE IT?”

“I TOLD HER IT WOULD BE COWARDLY TO LEAVE ME ALONE.”

Skinflint: “IF ANYTHING SHOULD HAPPEN TO ME, YOU WILL BE ALL RIGHT. I’VE JUST INSURED MY LIFE.”

“BUT SUPPOSE NOTHING DOES HAPPEN TO YOU?”

A DISTINCTION.

He: “YES, I REMEMBERED YOU AT ONCE AS THE GIRL I WAS ENGAGED TO IN THE MOUNTAINS SOME SEASONS AGO.”

“WHAT A REMARKABLE MEMORY FOR FACES YOU HAVE, HAVEN’T YOU?”

“NO—FOR RINGS.”

HER HEART IS IN THE KITCHEN.

“YOU HAVE BEEN VERY SUCCESSFUL WITH THE GIRLS—WHAT IS YOUR RULE IN MAKING LOVE TO ONE?”

“I HAVE NO SET RULE. I MERELY TRY, WITH ALL THE POWER THERE IS IN ME, TO MAKE AS BIG AN ASS OF MYSELF AS POSSIBLE.”

NO LETTER.

IT ISN’T ALWAYS THE GIRL THAT IS THOUGHTLESS.

THEIR FIRST MEETING—SOME YEARS AGO—NOW THEY ARE MARRIED.

STUDIES IN EXPRESSION.

BRIDGET ANNOUNCES THAT SHE IN ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED.

THE FAMILY BELOW.

DEDICATED TO PEOPLE LIVE IN FLATS.

MARRIED AT LAST.

DEDICATED TO THOSE WHO BELIEVE IN LONG ENGAGEMENTS.

IN THE COUNTRY.

Gabberley: “SINCE I BOUGHT MY PLACE HERE, PROPERTY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD HAS DEPRECIATED TERRIBLY.”

“THAT’S NATURAL.”

“MY WIFE, TELLS ME, SIR, THAT YOU HAVE BEEN MAKING LOVE TO HER.”

“THAT’S JUST LIKE A WOMAN, TO DISCUSS OUR PRIVATE AFFAIRS. IT WILL BE IN THE PAPERS NEXT.”

SIGNS OF SPRING.

THE VILLAIN DIES.

AT THE MATINEE.

SUMMER SPORTS.

THE NEW GOVERNESS.

SINCE HER ARRIVAL UNCLE TOM SPENDS CONSIDERABLE TIME IN THE NURSERY.

HIS FORTUNE.

“YOU ARE GOING ON A LONG, LONG JOURNEY.”

ASKING THE OLD FOLKS.

THE SPIRIT OF THE DAY.

“LOOK BEFORE YOU LEAP.”

SERIOUS BUSINESS

A YOUNG LAWYER ARGUING HIS FIRST IMPORTANT CASE

CASTLES IN THE AIR

THE AGITATOR

“WHO IS IT’S BROUGHT US HERE, I ASK YOU? WHO’S A-GRINDIN’ US UNDER THE IRON HEEL O’ DESPOTISM? I SAY TO YOU THE TIME HAS COME, WHEN—— ”

ANOTHER VICTIM—THE GOOSE FISH

SEASIDE EXPRESSIONS

LOST

“FANNED OUT”

THE NEW HAT

LEGAL ADVICE

BROTHERS—

—AND—SISTERS

TIME FOR REFLECTION

“WILL YOU TELL MY PAST FOR TWO DOLLARS?”

“NO, MADAM, NOT your PAST. YOU WILL HAVE TO HIRE ME BY THE DAY.”

THE TRAGEDIAN AND HIS LANDLADY

STAGE-STRUCK

A BOX PARTY

AT THE OPERA

IF THE WOMEN WEAR CROWNS, WHY SHOULDN’T THE MEN?

“KEEP STILL, PLEASE”

TO SEE THE ART EDITOR

OPENING OF THE RACING SEASON

HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS

TRYING IT ON

ADVERTISING À LA MODE

SEEING NEW YORK (THE FLATIRON)

THE FUNNY ARTIST

A WINNER

AT THE HORSE SHOW (THE HIGH JUMP)

ART IS LONG

SKYED

LIFE’S VAUDEVILLE

SEE ELDERLY BACHELOR IN HIS GREAT DOUBLE ROLE, MORE PARTICULAR AND LESS DESIRABLE IN “CHOOSING A WIFE”

“YOUNG MAN, HAVE YOU BEEN TRYING TO KISS MY DAUGHTER?”

“NO, SIR! I’VE BEEN TRYING not TO.”

SHE MUST HAVE SEEN BETTER DAYS

SISTER’S NEW BEAU

WITHOUT RESERVE

“IS YOUR HUSBAND VERY CONFIDENTIAL WITH YOU?”

“VERY! HE TELLS ME EVERYTHING HE SUSPECTS I’VE FOUND OUT ABOUT HIM.”

THE MORNING AFTER

“I HEAR, SIR, THAT FREDDY IS WORKING AS A CLERK IN YOUR BROKERAGE OFFICE?”

“YES. I WANT HIM TO LEARN ENOUGH ABOUT THE BUSINESS TO LET IT ALONE AFTER I DIE.”

THE BABY OF THE FAMILY

LIFE’S VAUDEVILLE

MR. MASHER AS CAPT. IRRESISTIBLE IN THE LADY KILLER

THE UNAPPRECIATIVE AUDIENCE

AN OLD GENTLEMAN DESCRIBES HIS GRANDCHILDREN

NEVER TOO OLD TO YEARN

“IS IT EXPENSIVE SENDING YOUR GIRLS TO COLLEGE?”

“I SHOULD SAY SO! MY WIFE TAKES ADVANTAGE OF THEIR ABSENCE TO DRESS ABOUT TWENTY YEARS YOUNGER THAN SHE REALLY IS.”

CURRENT LITERATURE

“I SAID, MY DAUGHTER HAD BEEN INDULGENTLY BROUGHT UP, AND WAS USED TO LUXURY, AND I COULD NOT CONSENT TO HER BECOMING THE WIFE OF A LITERARY MAN. AND HE SAID, DAMME, HIS LAST BOOK HAD SOLD A MILLION COPIES AND BROUGHT HIM IN OVER THREE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS! WHAT’S A MAN TO DO A CASE LIKE THAT? HE’S GOT MORE BOOKS MAKING, HE SAYS. I SHALL HAVE TO LET THE FOOLISH GIRL THROW HERSELF AWAY ON HIM, IF SHE WANTS TO.”

THE LATEST SCANDAL

ELOPEMENT À LA GASOLINE

THE NEW PUPIL

A CANDIDATE FOR POST-GRADUATE HONORS

“IF THE DUKE PROPOSES WHAT SHALL I DO?”

“MAKE THE BEST BARGAIN YOU CAN, MY DEAR.”

VACATION TIME

“I see that Professor Gigham, the celebrated all-around scientist, is going to marry that college girl.”

“What’s that for?”

“He wants to complete his education.”

WAITING FOR SOMETHING TO TURN UP

(SCENE IN ANY HOTEL CORRIDOR)

GRANDFATHER: “SAY, WILLIE, DON’T YOU WANT TO GO THROUGH A TOY SHOP WITH ME THIS AFTERNOON AND SEE ALL THE PRETTY THINGS?”

“I’M WILLING TO, POP, IF YOU WILL GET ANY PLEASURE OUT OF IT.”

THE SIGN PAINTER

LIFE’S VAUDEVILLE

“I’LL BE A SISTER TO YOU”

THE THIRTIETH OF MAY

“DID YOU KISS THE BRIDE?”

“NO, I’M GOING TO WAIT UNTIL THEY COME BACK FROM THEIR HONEYMOON AND GET SETTLED DOWN.”

MAKING UP HIS——?

AN INTERRUPTED STORY

YES OR NO

SUGGESTION

WIFE: THE ICE DOESN’T LOOK VERY STRONG DOES IT?

PERHAPS YOU’D BETTER TRY IT; YOU KNOW YOU WEIGH MORE THAN I DO.

THE STORY OF AN EMPTY SLEEVE.

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Table of Contents

THE GIBSON BOOK

THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE